R+J Today
by General Touchstone
Summary: Something I wrote in highschool that I still find interesting when I read it over. My interpretation of Romeo and Juliet's characters in our modern world.


Romeo

This boy, being who he is, is the star. He's a fifteen year old boy with raging hormones, the idea that every girl he hooks up with should be his one and true love and has a lot of money. Also he looks a cross between Leo DiCaprio and Justin Timberlake. Of course he's going to have good grades in school and lots of groupies. Has been doing gymnastics and softball since second grade. His parents have been absentees since he was four, traveling to Majorca regularly. His ideals derive from watching too much TV and sneaking his sister's romance novels late at night. It comes as a surprise that he isn't gay, but then he did try. He ended up a little sore and put down on the whole sexual freedom thing after a sordid experiment. See what he gets for hanging out with Benvolio and Mercutio? Oh and yeah, his sister was pretty pissed when she couldn't find _Passion on the Davenport _(her absolute favourite book) and had a conniption fit. He dresses like a yuppie, Billabong shirts and all enough said. Wants to be an Olympic gymnast and marry a nice girl. 

Juliet

The epitome of the quintessential teenage girl (is that possible?). Her favourite subjects are P.E and Spanish class because of that cute Blondie who resembles Nick Carter if you squint your eyes. She's bleach blond and baby faced and exactly the kind of girl Romeo would glance twice at if only because they all look the same and he has to differentiate his groupies somehow. She wears the baby shirts that say "Sex Kitten" or "Like What You See? Call 1-800-YOUWISH" along with the teeny jean shorts more likely to be called underwear. Another straight A student along with Romeo, a track and field runner and a member of the National Junior Honor Society. The parental units are successful, happily married and doting on their only child. Morals are staunch and Church going is routine. She doesn't believe in abortion, homosexuality, or sex before marriage. It's predicted she will be giving the opening speech on Graduation Day, going to Harvard and becoming a Brain Surgeon. Get the picture? 

Mercutio

Bisexual. Read _1984, The Picture of Dorian Gray, Lolita _and _A ClockWork Orange. _Smokes pot and drives Mormons and Christians crazy. His parents are divorced, father a multimillionaire and mother an eco activist and avid protester. He's more likely to see her on the 9 o'clock news than at home. Romeo is his best friend next to Benvolio his boyfriend. He was Romeo's first and last gay lover and was rather disheartened when Romeo strayed back to the Straight Side. He dresses like a cross between a skater and a glam rocker. Very interesting. Photography of all things immoral and corrupt is his passion. Speaks Spanish fluently and is responsible for dirtying Romeo's and Benvolio's brains. His idols are Kurt Vonnegut, David Bowie, Jonathon Davis and Oprah. He cuts class to snog with girls and has a habit of getting up on his desk in the middle of class and preaching about freedom of sexuality whenever someone uses the word "gay" out of context. Most likely is destined to become a bum or world famous photographer rivaling Robert Maplethorpe. 

Benvolio

A sweet, long tempered boy more likely to stand on the sidelines or mediate than join the fray usually started by Mercutio his boyfriend. He is obviously gay and very intellectual to be going out with Merc. He wears glasses and combat boots and wears whatever else his boyfriend tells him to since he had 'no sense of fashion whatsoever' as Merc always cries before a date. He gets good grades and reads a lot in the school library. Is a computer genius and introverted wallflower. His parents are loud spoken and tend to break table wear during dinner to get their points across. He met Romeo at the movies when Mercutio 'accidentally' copped a feel up Romeo's cute behind and blamed Benvolio for it. The movie was _You Got Mail_. Never had he a girlfriend and female teachers make him nervous. He is very rational and usually the one to get Merc out of trouble. He has a cat named Pooky and reads the comic strip _Luann _religiously. 

Is a big Starwars fan and dreams about him being Han Solo and Mercutio in Leia's gold bikini (night dreams not daydreams!). Benvolio is preordained to become a computer hacker working for Bill Gates and keep his homosexuality in the closet.

Tybalt

Tybalt was Juliet's mother's second cousin's uncle's roommates love child conceived whilst doing Heroine. He has repeated the third grade once and seventh grade twice due to drug rehab and too many absences. The girl he is currently going out with is named Laquisha and has cornrows three feet long. She isn't pregnant. His mother is a hairdresser and wannabe talk show host. He never met his father but suspects it could be that Seamus guy down on the fifth floor room 21b. He is African Irish with red hair and brown skin. He dresses like a prison escapee and acts like it. Gets caught regularly during classes smoking grass behind the girls locker rooms and has been kicked out of three schools (working on the fourth) during his junior high years. His favourite movies are the Rambo series and he likes Eminem. Often he beats up seventh graders and blames it on 'stray dogs'. He has a long lasting relationship with an old babysitter whom he lost his virginity to in the sixth grade. Tybalt's worst enemies are white people, Mercutio, homosexuals, yuppies, Mercutio, football players and Mercutio. Tybalt will 

probably end up found dead in a ditch somewhere in Tennessee because he didn't 'accommodate' the locals after running from the Mafia with ten thousand dollars worth of crystal meth in his pocket. 

Friar Laurence

Is actually a loser math teacher at the school our heroes go to. He is a balding mid forties man with underwear that smell like blue cheese and a wardrobe consisting of clothing in twelve different shades of the local cow dung. Most students regard him as a person best avoided while the minority see him as a confidant in the matters of the heart, gaining this title after being understanding and helpful to students who stay after school for help in math. Juliet being his most loyal fan tells him everything about her love life and asks for advice constantly on whom she should date. Romeo thinks him just shy and is polite about the whole blue cheese underwear deal. Also Romeo got him into herbal concoctions when he mentioned something about a certain herb that helps attract the opposite sex. Laurence is still in search of that herb ten years after the whole suicide incident with Romeo and Juliet. Other teachers avoid Mr. Laurence most of the time and are coming up blank on excuses not to join him for coffee on breaks after two years so far of not having to sip latte's with the man. Mercutio sticks derogatory messages on his back and sneaks porno magazines in his desk to be seen by the principal. He listens to Yanni and idolizes Donny Osmond. Mr. Laurence is going to die a lonely old man after teaching for forty years and never losing his virginity. 

The Nurse

Became Juliet's nurse when she was three. She is Mexican and after twelve years still can't speak English well enough for Juliet to understand. Physically she is short, fat and hairy, as Mexican women tend to be and thinks herself a sex kitten. She is married to a man named Juan who has yet to say more than "hrmm" to her after ten years of marriage and no sex whatsoever. The best advice the Nurse gave to Juliet was "Neber eat morre dan two tortillas at ah tyme eef you vish to sheet de next day." That was the only advice ever given Juliet since the Nurse couldn't understand a damn word she said most of the time. Needless to say Juliet doesn't eat tortillas at all. There is no future for the Nurse if only because she eats her own native cuisine more than she should. 

Paris

A really rich, good-looking guy horny over Juliet, but too sheltered to approach her. Can't do anything about Romeo because he could kick Paris' ass in milliseconds. He is a constant target for Mercutio's humour (who the hell names their child Paris?). Cries a lot and loves Opera, but then who cares? Died shortly after Romeo was put in Juve for killing Tybalt, trying to open a can of peaches by himself.


End file.
